中文 | English

Translated by Nick Fang

“I invested so much into you. Why wouldn’t you respond to my love?”

Just because you are so invested in someone doesn’t always guarantee a good result. Before you two establish a relationship, he/she has no obligation to respond to you with an equal amount of love.  Asking such a question simply does more harm than good.

When we don’t receive positive feedback for the effort we put into someone, it’s easy to feel out of balance.

“When we texted, I always reply to him, whereas he always ignores my message”

“I’m always the one asking her out for a date…”

“I spent so much time to pick a present for her, yet she doesn’t seem to care”

“I thought I gave him enough hints already. Why hasn’t he asked me to be his girlfriend already?”

……

During the dating phase, how should we deal with the imbalance of investment into your relationship?

The first problem we need to address is: Why doesn’t he respond to you?

Love at first sight rarely happens

Romantic feelings for each other rarely synchronizes, in order for love to develop, it usually takes time to get to know each other. If you feel like you’re the one who’s more into the relationship, it simply means that you like him more. Under such circumstances, you must endure such pain before he feels attracted to you. Unfortunately, hard work doesn’t necessarily pay off. You should decide for yourself how much you want to put in and when you want to stop.

A mistake most people make is that they only care about how much love they have expressed but often forgets to evaluate how much love the other person has received.

Everyone has different ability when it comes to expressing love and receiving love. Maybe you thought you had expressed a ten for your love, but he only received two. Your expression of love might not be what he needs. Lots of people think that being “nice” can make someone fall in love with you, but you define what’s “nice”, not him. Some would like company, some like emotional support, what you give him may not be what he needs. Similarly, when you feel like he didn’t respond to your love, it may be that he didn’t express his love in a way that you would like to be treated. 

There are times where you don’t receive feedback for your love, but it’s inevitable since he/she is not that into you yet. But to what extent is it reasonable?

Principles of investment during the early stages of a relationship

Don’t lose your personality

Some people regard giving as a habit, thinking that only giving can make the other person fall in love with themselves or keep the other person around, often forgetting about one’s own needs. They tend to put the other person’s needs before their own. This is actually a sign of low self-confidence; it would only make the other person think you are “low value” and ignore you. 

If you want to attract someone, blindly catering to their needs may not be effective. In fact, the best way to “give” is to try to show your own shining points so that the other person can notice it. Don’t put all your attention on the other person just because you like them. Instead, you should pay more attention to yourself and build up your own advantages. Your contribution is only valuable if the other person likes you, it doesn’t work the other way around. 

Set a baseline for yourself

First of all, just because you are so invested in someone doesn’t mean that they have to reply to you equally. Before you two establish a relationship, he/she has no obligation to respond to you with an equal amount of love. You must accept the possibility that the other person might be dating other people and you’re just one of them. 

After going out for a while, most people have a hard time giving up because of “sunk cost”, thinking that if I give up now, all my time and effort would be wasted. But such mentality doesn’t help the relationship at all, rather it does more harm than good. The key to overturning the unbalance is to figure out where the real problem is. Should you change the way you express your affection? Simultaneously, you should set a deadline for yourself, if you can’t attract him, then don’t waste time on him/her.

We all would like the people we like to like us back. But if there is an obvious imbalance between the two of you, yet you think you’re being reasonable.

How should you break the deadlock?

Many feel that they are at a disadvantage in the relationship, so the other party has full control over the rhythm and direction of the relationship development. In fact, it is very important to express your thoughts to the other party.

The nature of the unequal relationship between the two of you may be that you are ready to enter an exclusive relationship, but the other party is not ready yet. At this time, you should express your attitude to the other party not to put pressure on the other party, but to determine your relationship status.

Otherwise, if the other party does not reject your contribution, and at the same time fails to respond to you, you may continue to guess and doubt: “What are we now? Did he/she acquiesce to an exclusive relationship?” Playing the guessing game would only make it harder for you to grasp how much you should put in. 

Although there is no standard answer when it comes to a clear attitude, it is better to break the deadlock as soon as possible than to be troubled by the current imbalance. After all, reciprocal relationships can only be healthy and long-lasting.

If you have similar dilemma, feel free to contact 2RedBeans consultant for advice.

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